Week 7: Who is the best player on each team? I’m glad you asked.
Arizona Cardinals (3-3-1) — Draft day: Fuck, we drafted Kyler Murray. Today: I knew he was going to be great!
Atlanta Falcons (1-6) — Julio Jones and Matt Ryan are both thinking this: Dan Quinn should fire himself.
Baltimore Ravens (5-2) — Lamar “Freakin’” Jackson – what a steal and not a one-trick pony.
Buffalo Bills (5-1) — Frank Gore will play until he is 60 and still be good.
Carolina Panthers (4-2) — Kyle Allen is the QB of the now for these Panthers but the team runs through Christian McCaffrey.
Chicago Bears (3-3) — Draft day 2017—the fuck? Trubisky. 2018—fuck yeah Trubisky. 2019 Fuck Trubisky. At least they have Khalil Mack.
Cincinnati Bengals (0-7) — The worst football team in Ohio (The Ohio State University is the best) has yet to see its best player this season. An injured AJ Green is better than anything, ANYTHING, that roster has.
Cleveland Browns (2-4) — The second worst team in Ohio that was entirely too overrated in the preseason has an overrated and under-used WR with the initials OBJ.
Dallas Cowboys (4-3) — Paying Zeke first is looking better and better for the Cowboys.
Denver Broncos (2-5) — John Elway is the best football player in that organization…that says a lot.
Detroit Lions (2-3-1) — Poor Matt Stafford…this team might have peaked for the season.
Green Bay Packers (6-1) — R-E-L-A-X…you know I’m going to say Aaron Rodgers—the Pack is 6-1 and has the second worst receiving corps in the NFL (the worst resides in New England).
Houston Texans (4-3) — DeShaun Watson, what did you in a past life do to deserve Bill O’Brien.
Indianapolis Colts (4-2) — I believed from the minute Andrew Luck retired and now Jacoby Brissett is an MVP candidate…there I said it.
Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4) — Gardner Minshew’s mustache is the best thing the Jags have put on the field this season.
Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) — Patrick Mahomes injured is better than 90 percent of the QBs out there.
Los Angeles Chargers (2-5) — He might not be the best player on this team, but Phillip Rivers is the biggest dick on the team.
Los Angeles Rams (4-3) — When Cooper Kupp is not on the field, Jared Goff is mediocre.
Miami Dolphins (0-6) — Their best player hasn’t been drafted yet.
Minnesota Vikings (5-2) — Everyone not named Kirk Cousins.
New England Patriots (7-0) — TB12, not because he’s the GOAT, but because they could pull drunk fans from the stands and play them as WRs and he’d still manage to win.
New Orleans Saints (6-1) — Teddy Bridgewater is the best money the Saints have spent all year.
New York Giants (2-5) — Danny Dimes by default.
New York Jets (1-5) — Mono.
Oakland Raiders (3-3) — In honor of him, Willie Brown. RIP.
Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) — The drunk and unruly fans (this is not a shot at the fanbase. I’ve stated numerous times, right or wrong, Philly fan is the most passionate group of fans).
Pittsburgh Steelers (2-4) — Every backup player on this team.
San Francisco 49ers (6-0) — Jimmy G has made the Niners relevant NOT Kyle Shanahan (don’t believe me, see last season).
Seattle Seahawks (5-2) — Russell Wilson because the average fan couldn’t name another player on this team.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-4) — Mike Evans is the best player in the state of Florida, college and pro. Next.
Tennessee Titans (3-4) — The groundskeeper who put out the fire on the field.
Washington Redskins (1-6) — It’s a tie between Scary Terry McLaurin and punter Tress Way (yeah, a fucking punter).
RobbUnfiltered is a sports podcast based out of Richmond, Va. Find me on Twitter @RobbUnfiltered. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This show is sponsored by On The Rox, Ponies & Pints, and Social 52, which are all located in Richmond, Va.
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