Week 12: What kind of Thanksgiving guest would your favorite team be? I’m glad you asked (and I rank teams too).
32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-11) — The one who gets blackout drunk.
31. Miami Dolphins (2-9) — The one who gets brownout drunk.
30. Washington Redskins (2-9) — The one whose house no shows up to.
29. New York Giants (2-9) — The one who says he’s lives in New York City but really lives in Jersey City.
28. Detroit Lions (3-7-1) — The one whose house you have to stop by every year because its “tradition.”
27. Denver Broncos (3-8) — The one who brings the good weed.
26. Atlanta Falcons (3-8) — The one who is stressed about job security.
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7) — The one who has sticky fingers.
24. Los Angeles Chargers (4-7) — The one who shows up at the wrong house.
23. New York Jets (4-7) — The one who has an inferiority complex due to his Giant brother.
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7) — The cousin who shows up with moonshine.
21. Arizona Cardinals (3-7-1) — The hip guy who shows up with a sleek new ride.
20. Cleveland Browns (5-6) — The uncle who is a loser and will always be a loser.
19. Chicago Bears (5-6) — The uncle with the best mustache who tells the best stories about the good old days and smells like kielbasa.
18. Carolina Panthers (5-6) — The cousin who is always the best dressed but can’t carry a conversation.
17. Philadelphia Eagles (5-6) — The uncle and cousins who show up drunk and have to leave before dinner because one of them calls Grandma a fucking bitch and the “C-word” for liking the Cowboys.
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5) — The cousin who usually has a hot girl in his arm but not this year.
15. Tennessee Titans (6-5) — The guy who brings the dry, bland turkey.
14. Los Angeles Rams (6-5) — The cousin who is basking in the glow of last year.
13. Indianapolis Colts (6-5) — The overachieving cousin that no one notices.
12. Oakland Raiders (6-5) — The 50-year-old uncle who still parties like he’s 20.
11. Dallas Cowboys (6-5) — The stuck-up aunt no one likes.
10. Buffalo Bills (8-3) — The other 50-year-old uncle who parties too much.
9. Minnesota Vikings (8-3) — The niece who overpaid for cosmetic surgery for no reason.
8. Houston Texans (7-4) — He’s not Dallas and that’s a good thing.
7. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4) — The uncle who eats the most.
6. Green Bay Packers (8-3) — The aunt who can drink everyone under the table.
5. New Orleans Saints (9-2) — The other aunt who can drink everyone under the table.
4. New England Patriots (10-1) — The creepy uncle.
3. San Francisco 49ers (10-1) — The cousin who dates porn stars.
2. Seattle Seahawks (9-2) — The cool uncle.
1. Baltimore Ravens (8-2) — The friend who shows up in jeans shorts (Baltimore is the capital of jean shorts wearers—just sayin’).
Happy Turkey Day to all!
RobbUnfiltered is a sports podcast based out of Richmond, Va. Find me on Twitter @RobbUnfiltered. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This show is sponsored by On The Rox, Ponies & Pints, and Social 52, which are all located in Richmond, Va.
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- RobbUnfiltered Ep. 93: Marching In
- RobbUnfiltered Ep. 92: Deadline Time
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